Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. Duh.

Note: A special thanks to the reviewers on fanfiction.net, especially those who have made a point of letting me know they've checked out my site. Also: thanks to Lonely_Walker, who left me a beautiful (and long, thanks!) review about how much he or she likes my story. You're the reason I'm getting into this again so quickly, when the story has been seeming to slow down.

L6.

I had never been there before. It was unusual now, when I'd traveled through the stars so much these past years, to not be heading somewhere familiar. Still, I couldn't help but be immensely glad that I was no longer in L2. That nightmare, at least, was behind me.

Still...

I sat at the cockpit, viewing the endless void. Funny how at one point I had looked at that darkness and wondered if that was all I was. Now I knew so much more, even as I still understood so little. I knew some secret parts of me that had never shown themselves so plainly before. I understood now many pieces of myself that I hadn't understood before.

But still, as I looked back on my initial fears, those I'd been afraid to look at again since, I saw even more. On this last ride before we entered that trap that inevitably awaited us, I could see just a little more. But there was nothing I could do.

I fiddled with my music, not knowing what I wanted to listen to. Heero had left me some precious me-time, and Wufei was doing only God-knew-what. Probably looking at my poems. Shit, the two of them were probably looking at them together. What a pain in the ass.

Still, a part of me wanted to do the same.

Finally I was beginning to see me, the real me. The only thing was that there was nothing to be proud of. I was an emotional coward and, worse, the worst thing I'd ever seen ever-

I was depressed.

How pathetic was that? Was Heero depressed? Was Wufei? Trowa? Quatre? No. The last two were so sapfully happy it could make a person barf. I was thrilled for them, really I was. But the oozing joy was just nauseous to hear. Or maybe that was because I was the exact opposite. Surely red thought green was disgusting and vice-versa.

Or maybe that just didn't make any sense whatsoever.

I glared at my music. What the hell could I play that wasn't stupidly happy and not exceedingly depressing?

Not Disturbed. Not Disney. Not Shinedown. Not Trivium. Not Evanescence.

Wait. Trivium? Battle music? Should I listen to that?

I began a mental argument over the merits of playing battle music when I was depressed, and finally discarded it. What a totally Shinigami thing to do.

I glared back down at the music after a moment. Which one? Which one? Nickelback was out. Pink? But I wasn't in the mood, and she had a couple nasty surprises, as well.

“Duo?”

Uh-oh. Me-time over.

“Yeah?” I turned in my seat to face Wufei, whose head was poking into the room.

“I'm just checking in. You haven't had any music playing for a while.”

“Yeah. Dunno what I want to listen to.” I shrugged.

Of course, Heero had to enter the conversation at that point. “May we pick?”

Oh. Well that would be dangerous. “The hell? You listen to my sort of music?”

Wufei snorted. “Maxwell, you have no 'sort.' You listen to everything.”

“Do not,” I sputtered indignantly. “I do not listen to bluegrass or rap.” I tried to think of something else I never listened to.

“Wufei, it's the lyrics,” Heero said quietly, and served to shut me up. “Duo, I would like to listen to that song.”

“That...” I trailed off as I realized what he was talking about. Wilson Phillips' “You're In Love.” I shook my head vehemently. “No.”

“Then in exchange, you'll tell us what one of your poems means.”

“The fuck?” I stood then. “What the hell are you playing at? How about I throw you out-bound and wish you the best o' luck?”

Wufei and Heero seemed momentarily stunned speechless. “Duo?” Wufei asked tentatively.

I took a calming breath. Dammit. This wasn't me, was it? No, and I knew it. The real me was always calm, right?

No, dammit, that wasn't me, either. So what was?

I closed my eyes and tried to see things without the tint of the Jester or Shinigami. Right now, I am upset and confused. I don't know what they want or why the want it. All I know is that we are moving towards what could be an increasingly dangerous situation and these two were trying to tear me apart when I needed to be fully pieced together for this. I had to be able to think logically when we landed on L6 and this wasn't helping. I was frustrated and scared.

“No. If you want to do this shit, wait.” I opened my eyes and saw their faces twisted into odd shapes. I almost laughed.

“Duo, we've waited years to be able to see you. We'll take whatever time we have.” Heero's voice was cold again, as if he were trying to force me into his way of thinking.

How could the man be like this and be so kind, as well? What was wrong with him? Why did he switch off-

My God. He's just like me.

It stopped me for a moment, being able to see that. Was I not the only one who had this problem of fighting between selves? Why was Heero switching between the two of them – and why did he seem so comfortable with it?

I shook my head, trying to clear it. Wufei must have seen that as a rejection. “Maxwell, we can only see so much. It's your voice, and only you can fully explain it to us.”

I sighed in utter defeat. “What poem?” I asked. My voice sounded weary.

Wufei hesitated then, so Heero bulldozed in. “It starts with 'Every Waking Second'.”

“That's it's name,” I confirmed, then began to recite from memory:

“Every waking second

Demands payment for redemption

Do you feel the agony's mention

Of the living and the lows?

Can you hear the whisper

Of the hatred of remission

Of the screaming for perdition

The raging hate that battles blow?

I scream for all the wounded

For the loss of those who crooned it

For the wishing for the meaning

And the cries of one who knows.

Do you know the screaming

And the second's little meaning

And the hope of those left living

And are you now one who knows?”

It seemed they didn't know whether to be impressed or disturbed. I laughed at them. “I wrote it,” I reminded them. I just didn't let them know that “Ever Waking Second” had taken my interest, as well. Before, I'd been too afraid of it's meaning to accept that it was speaking about me. But somehow it's all been ripped open and laid bare, as if a flash of light illuminated the mess that was my mind, and now I could see better than when I'd just been stumbling blindly in the dark, ever scared that I would bump into a boogeyman.

I couldn't be afraid of myself any longer, could I? Running from myself had to be the stupidest thing anyone could ever do. My entire reason for coming out here was to see the real me. I had to do it, no matter what. I could rebuild myself, couldn't I? Except this time it would be the real me.

The real me, dammit. I want to be real.

“Yes, well,” Wufei stammered. “We understand parts of it.”

“The third stanza is the simplest,” Heero said. “We've been there.”

I jolted a bit. “What?” The usual stupid response.

“'I scream for all the wounded,'” Heero quoted. “That refers to the emotional scars. 'Those who crooned it' are those who killed themselves. 'The meaning' refers to the meaning of life, which all those who hurt are trying to understand. 'One who knows' is someone who has felt that pain.”

My eyes were wide as golf balls.

“Wufei seemed now able to pick up the conversation. “The stanza after that is understandable, as well. 'Know the screaming' means understanding the words – or better, understanding the pain that is never spoken or shown. 'The second's little meaning' refers to how difficult it is to continue from one minute to the rest-”

“Wait, wait,” I stuttered, cutting them off. “The hell? How do you know this – and what the hell kind of questions do you have?” They understood it all so well... what the fuck was going on? That poem had taken me a while... how long had they been out there picking the fucking thing apart?

Heero sighed. “It's the first two stanzas that we don't quite understand. The mechanics are simple enough, of course – the first two lines, saying that every second is a sort of torture to gain salvation, and the payment is the pain you have to deal with. 'The agony's mention of the living and the lows' is where we start losing understanding.”

I shook my head, trying to clear it. “What the hell? This doesn't matter-”

“The hell,” Wufei said vehemently. “This poem tells us more than any other exactly how you feel, in a general way. It tells us that you're feeling just as we did.”

“Enough.” Nothing pissed off someone holding a pity party for themselves faster than someone saying they've been there. “What are you talking about?”

“At first, when the war ended,” Wufei admitted quietly, “I didn't see a purpose to my existence. That's why I joined Maremaia's group. I saw my existence as a warrior and nothing else. Heero helped me understand what I had lost sight of – that I was a warrior for peace, not for the sake of fighting.”

I was highly disturbed. Wufei never spoke about himself like this. What was going on?

Heero stood beside Wufei, offering a subtle warmth of comfort. I felt something indefinable crack. Then Heero turned those beautiful eyes on me and made that something break. His eyes were determined... hard.

Without thought, I did the only thing I could do – I escaped. “I need a drink.” I pushed off to the hallway, leaving them no chance to catch me and drag me back.

<*>

I skipped the drink, since only alcohol would help me at this point, and slipped into my room.

I wanted Harlow to attack. I wanted forty battleships ganging up on my Wing's ass. That's what I wanted. That way I could fully escape what had just occurred.

Jesus. Wufei had split himself open to reveal something that was, purely and simply, none of my business. Why had he done it? Just to prove a point? Wufei never opened himself like that. Never. Never ever.

Then again, looking at it, Heero never gave a damn about the logistics of a person's psychoses, either. Both were out of character.

Or maybe... maybe, for the first time, they were in character.

God. I was thinking about this like it was a story or something. It was life. My life. And it was slipping right out of my control, as usual.

I covered my face with my hands and willed the world to just stop for minute.

And a knock sounded on my door.

I growled.

“Duo.” It was Heero, of course. The man had a not-a-good-time radar that demanded he bother me at the perfectly wrong time.

“Go away,” I snarled.

“Look.” I could swear I heard him sigh, even through that thick metal door. “I know you don't want to hear it, but we've all been where you are right now. It's not that we managed to move on quicker because we're stronger. It's because we lent each other our strength that we got through.”

Well. Not only had he hit a couple nails on their heads, he'd also fully managed to make a clichéd line sound damn good. Maybe it was that sexy voice of his.

“It doesn't matter,” I whispered. Because I couldn't let it matter.

“Duo, open up.”

Yeah, right. Like I would do that. The bastards had dissected enough poems. And Lord forbid I allow them to dissect me.

“Duo.” The voice sounded so sad. It tugged at those broken shards that cut at me. “What can I say to make you understand?”

I closed my eyes. I had seen the two of them stand side-by-side. They shared that couple-communication that needed no words and managed to irritate those uninvolved in the process. And here Heero was, unable to speak his thoughts to me.

I wanted it to stop hurting. I needed it to.

“I understand,” I said, and heard a strange hitch in my voice. I willed it away. “It's not like I'm stupid, Heero. I understand.”

Heero hesitated.

“I'm not oblivious,” I continued. “I know what that poem means.”

“That's not-” Heero began vehemently, then stopped himself. He seemed to take a moment to calm himself.

My eyes opened in wonder. Had I just made the infallible Heero Yuy lose his temper?

“Duo, that's not... dammit. At least explain those last parts.”

The hell? “What the hell are you pushing this for?”

Silence. “I don't know.” This time the sigh was in the sentence itself.

I thought about it all for a moment. Whatever they wanted, I suppose I should at least give it to them. I had the feeling that I would be disappearing soon, leaving them on their own. I could at least give them this.

Was I a masochist, a fool, or a martyr?

“'Do you feel the agony's mention / Of the living and the lows?'” I repeated the second part of the first stanza from pure memory. “Do you understand the agonizing pain of living and or with depression?”

Heero was silent for a long time, and didn't seem ready to speak yet. So I continued.

“'Can you hear the whisper / Of the hatred of remission.' Can you hear the whisper of the hatred of forgiveness. It goes two ways: the forgiver can never fully forgive, and forgives mostly to try to settle their own heart. The forgiven feels that they may not deserve to be forgiven. 'Of the screaming for perdition' means 'Of the screaming for damnation. The forgiven wants to be damned, because he can only see eternal punishment as a way to be truly forgiven. 'The raging hate that battles blow' refers to the battles one has within oneself.” I closed my eyes again. “What part of that didn't you understand?”

Heero finally spoke. “Your tone.”

“Tone?” I repeated, suddenly confused.

“Yes. When you recited the poem, you had a certain tone.” Heero's voice sounded... strange. He was cooking something up in that head of his, and I had no doubt that I wasn't going to like it.

“Heero, what the hell are you talking about?” I demanded.

And then he made those shards shatter. “I need to talk to Wufei about this.”

I almost laughed, but I knew it would sound slightly hysterical. “Sure. Go ahead.” I waited a few minutes, but heard nothing more.

Only then did I clutch my chest and ride out the waves of agony.

<*>

I was safely ensconced in my room, wondering when it would be just as safe to leave and grab some food, when my alarms rang.

“Fuck!” I raced out of my room and to the cockpit. Heero came out of the galley, where he'd most likely been waiting to pounce on me, and Wufei came from inside his room. He let go of his book to let it float through the hallway. I recognized Faulkner with a quick flash of a smile.

The scanners were showing a fucking fleet of ships, all ready to welcome my little Wing. I caught a quick breath and slowly let it out.

“Shit.”

I turned on my battle music and raced through my inventory. My little deliveryman had come in secretly, unknown to Heero and Wufei, to take the weapons I'd gotten and hook a few up. It was illegal, so I hadn't wanted them to know.

Well, now they would know.

I called up scans and turned on the weapons system. He'd given me a lot, the useful bastard. But I couldn't do it. I would have to fly, and someone else...

I glanced at the co-pilot's seat and felt something lurch.

Oh. My heart.

I switched the logs to one side and the weapons to another. I wouldn't ever have someone in that seat. Never again would someone become so close to me. Never again would I rely on someone for anything, nor show them I cared for them. I wouldn't put anyone else in danger.

My hands trembled.

“Maxwell! You have weapons hooked up?”

Shit. What the hell was Wufei doing, checking shit out over my shoulder?

Then I distantly heard the snapping of buckles. Heero sailed into my peripheral view and grabbed onto the co-pilot's seat.

“No!” I snapped.

“Don't be ridiculous, Duo! You can't do this all yourself!”

Fucking hell, I knew that! “I said no, Heero Yuy!”

“Fuck that!”

I turned in surprise to see Heero seating himself in that accursed seat and buckling himself in. “Heero-”

Heero turned on me. “I don't know what your problem is, but right now you need a partner!”

I felt myself freeze, just as a warning came that the enemies were now close enough to fire. I turned from him and made a swift turn. I saw my screen lose the weapons logs.

I felt panic overcome me.

No. No. Heero had been my partner before, right? Technically. And he'd survived. It was all in my head. All in my head.

Oh God.

I clenched my hands, then wiped off the sweat. I didn't have time for this. Once again, I needed to bring out Shinigami in order to keep these guys alive. I needed to stay focused. Hadn't I told myself a thousand times that I couldn't lose these guys?!

My eyes glazed over. When I took the controls again, my hands were dry.

“Fine.” I twisted the ship to the right. “Just don't miss.”

“Roger that.”

I smiled. There he was, the Heero I knew.

They weren't idiots with their machinery. Harlow wasn't on them, that I knew. But Harlow also hadn't held back. It reminded me sharply of when I was with Deathscythe, when I had to go against entire battalions on my own.

But I'd been able to do it.

This wasn't that much different. Only now I only had to worry about flying. It was like a two-man Gundam. Easier.

Another twist, then a beautiful little beam lanced the space, taking down one of the enemies.

I spun my Wing through a left corkscrew, then beamed it to the right. And Heero took down another one.

It was strange to be able to see the movements so perfectly, to know where all of the enemies would fire. They had to have logistics from the last battle, because they tried to aim for the sides of the ship. They thought a human was out-bound again. A small part of me took the time to be thankful that there wasn't.

Wufei switched through my music, seemingly unconcerned with the battle. Instead he switched to those I shouted for – Die Motherfucker Die, I Fucking Hate You, Kill You, Ready To Die. Then he started shouting observations.

“Yuy, nine o-clock!” “Maxwell, three on your back!”

And two more lit up the sky.

I counted twelve more on my radar and double-checked it with Heero without even thinking about it.

“Affirmative.”

And I felt my heart flip for one short second. This man wasn't a mirage. He was still the one man I had ever loved, and the one man I ever would.

“Great. Kill them off, would you?” I smiled insanely. “Hey, 'Fei – Meaning Of Life.”

“Got it.” There was a rueful smile in that response, I could swear it.

I gave a war whoop when it came on and dove through the enemy line. Heero shot off a round that took out two at once. Another war whoop was in order.

The little baddies scattered, trying to take us by surrounding us. I did a few dancing flips, and Heero took out a few more.

“Fire at five,” Wufei stated. “Eleven, as well.”

I smiled. “Two in one,” I muttered, and dove. The two hit one another. One blew up, the other lost its balance and flew straight into its neighbor. “Damn,” I said with relish, “three in one.”

Heero said nothing, just took out another one in the confusion that stirred. I laughed and flew toward an opening straight ahead of us. Heero took out another.

And then they were behind us, and Heero picked them off like weeds.

“I wonder if that was supposed to have stopped us,” Wufei mused.

“Based on the information they had before this, it would have been reasonable to assume such,” Heero stated, logging down the weapons.

I said nothing, only closed my eyes and leaned my head back and soaked in the newest song, Violence Fetish. Then I shuddered.

Wing gave me the all-clear, and I reset the alarms.

“So do you think he'll have more waiting for us?” Wufei continued.

“It would be foolish to think otherwise.”

Yes. That was Heero for you.

I stood. I had to get back to my room quickly. Before I lost my control.

“Duo, wait.” Heero unbuckled and stood before me, easily barring my way. Another reason to hate that damn co-pilot's seat.

“I'm tired,” I whined petulantly.

Heero seemed to fight a smile. “Why didn't you want me in this seat?”

Not fair. I was too high-strung to be pleasant on this issue. “I don't like it. So get out.”

Heero frowned. “It's not like you to be so-”

“I'm sorry, Mr. Don't-make-assumptions, but who are you to be telling me what I'm like? I'll bet you I already know fairly well.” Or at least now I do.

Heero seemed to study me for a short second. “Then explain to me why.”

“Uh-uh.” I shook my head. “I'm tired. Outta the way.” I shooed him with a hand.

Again, that strange twitching took over his lips. “No. Explain.”

“Bite me,” I muttered.

“Maxwell, I would also like to know.” Wufei went to stand beside Heero.

Double-teaming bastards. “No. Sleep.”

Heero sighed. “Won't you compromise?”

“Won't you bugger off?” I waved at them. “Go. Away. I want to sleep.” I was already on an emotional high before this shit started, after all.

“Duo-”

“Bed.” And I sailed off to my room.