Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. Duh.

What the hell could he possibly know about it? Is that what he'd tried to do after everything, as he disappeared into nothing? Had he done the same? Could he have?

“Duo, I recognize the symptoms: irritability, shifting personalities, confusion. I've been there. We all have. The only way we got out was-”

“Who cares?” I demanded. “It doesn't matter. We're on a mission, Yuy. Have you, of all people, forgotten this?”

The sigh was a bit softer this time, but still disgustingly discernible. “I see.” See what? “Good night, Duo.”

There was going to be a 'secret discussion' occurring behind my back come morning.

I shifted, uncomfortable with my whirling thoughts, and willed myself into sleep.

<*>

I woke with a strangely groggy feeling, like I'd been crying. But of course I hadn't – it was just a leftover from the dreams.

There was a low murmuring going on from the other side of the crates. If I could have, I would have sunk back into sleep.

Heero must have heard the change in my breathing again, because the murmuring suddenly stopped. It was aggravating – one minute Heero was being an arrogant shit, the other he was being inquisitive, and then in the middle of that he became disturbingly kind. The normal Heero was pretty constant – so what the hell?

“Duo, Une says she'll be here in another ten hours.”

“Woot,” I muttered. “So what are you going to do to entertain yourselves?” Bother me, no doubt.

“Nothing much,” Heero said easily. “Why don't you come over here?”

Why don't you kiss my ass? I thought, but didn't say it. That probably wouldn't go over too well, and I apparently had to stay in this tiny place with them for another ten hours.

But I came out, and Heero brandished a deck of cards. We spent our time playing blackjack, with which I was familiar, and poker, with which I was still a novice at.

And I was a good boy. I only cheated twice.

<*>

When the ten hours came and Preventors swarmed into the room, I was gone. I was still Black Strike, an unknown entity, even to the Preventors. It was a security caution, just in case of leaks. It had also been to prevent Heero and Wufei from finding out, but that plan hadn't worked out so spectacularly.

I walked down the safer streets, body tense and alert, mind three years in the past.

I'd had plenty of years to think over my years on the streets and my short stint in the church with Father Maxwell and Sister Helen. No, my new fascination was my latest earth-shattering decision, to break away from everyone and everything I'd clung to. In order to find myself.

I'd gotten farther. I now realized more of my weaknesses, and I've always been able to point out my skills. Social-wise, I knew that I hid. I knew I did so out of a sense of fear, but I didn't quite know what that fear was. Why was it so necessary to hide?

Worse... worse, had Heero been speaking the truth? That I would never be able to find the real, true, completely authentic me if... if I stayed alone...

No way. What could they see? They had never been able to see the real me throughout the entire time we'd worked together in the war. We'd needed to rely on one another for our lives. You learned a lot about a person real quick in those situations – or at least you usually did. Heero and Wufei looked right over me. Trowa caught on, near the end. And Quatre, bless him, was brilliant when it came to seeing a person's true heart. But...

There was no way those idiots would be able to see anything more than they had before. Right? But if that were the truth, then how the hell had Heero been able to dissect me so well? The bastard...

No, he'd always had that ability. He'd always been brilliant at picking up hidden clues and laying them out for inspection. It's just... usually he did that only for the mission.

So, what, now that the missions weren't as hard anymore, he had to exercise his brain on innocent bystanders? What? Is my brain some sort of amusement park for him?

Dammit, why the hell did I fall in love with someone like him?

Stupid! He was an arrogant, over-bearing chit. He only knew what he wanted to see. Today that something was me. But what about tomorrow? When he'd finally pulled apart the last part of me – when he finally tore down my last barrier and left me bare – would he get bored with me and move on?

I couldn't take that chance. Whether I had to be Shinigami, the Jester... as long as I managed to protect the real me-

-the real-

That was it.

It hit me suddenly and with so much force I almost keeled over from the pure strength of it. I was afraid of being hurt – again? I was afraid of so much, if I just looked at it. Afraid of being alone, but afraid of being known. It was such a contradiction it shouldn't have made any sense.

But it did. It made perfect sense.

Because everyone close to me has died, I'm afraid of becoming close with anyone, for fear that they will end up the same as Solo and Sister Helen and Father Maxwell and even that bastard G. All of them were dead, and all of them had been pivotal people in my life. Had a part of me left Quatre and Hilde for fear that they, too, would die? For fear that I would lose them, as well?

Was I afraid to try to get closer to Heero and Wufei, who clearly wanted to try to know me better, because of the terror inside me that they, too, would die? They were Preventors. They risked their lives every day-

Or was it that I was so completely terrified of getting close and losing them... for my sake? If I lost either of them, even though we're still technically on bad terms, even as we were right now, at this instant-

I would break. I would die if I lost those I loved.

I had brought myself out here, all alone, into the cold horror of space, because it was safer than being with others. It wasn't their fault. It was mine. All mine.

“Oh, God,” I whispered, right there in the middle of the street. Some kind soul pushed me out of their way, and I swayed precariously. I just barely made it into a small building and its restroom before collapsing right there on the floor of one of the stalls.

I couldn't lose them. That's what it was, wasn't it? I couldn't lose them. Even now, I couldn't lose any of them. If we got even closer, if we became close friends...

I couldn't. I just couldn't. I couldn't lose them.

I loved the both of them. Differently, in wholly separate ways. But I loved the both of them.

I felt the burn start in my eyes and wished I had the strength to push them away... but finally understanding oneself deserved at least a few tears, didn't it?

Even if boys don't cry.

<*>

I was at my ship when Heero and Wufei caught up with me. She'd been repaired, as promised, and was her beautiful self again. She gleamed with a new paint and wax job. She seemed to be happy to see me. But maybe that was just my fanciful mind.

I heard them coming and turned to them, wary. I didn't know how to act or what to say. I didn't know yet whether I should try to get closer to them or get the fuck away from them while I still could.

“Duo.” Wufei greeted me with a nod. Heero's eyes just sharpened – he was apparently in range to see how red and puffy my eyes were. I had fixed the runny-nose problem and had studiously rubbed off the tear tracks, but not everything could be easily solved.

Still, my heart felt a thousand times lighter, even as I saw a great burden ahead of me. It was so much better to know.

Wufei went past me to get on-board, since Une had said it would be a double-bluff with her ships around mine. Heero, of course, stopped before me. I beat him to the punch.

“You were wrong,” I told him, effectively stopping him from speaking. When he cocked his head to the side, I expanded. “I found it on my own.”

Heero's eyes lit a bit – understanding, curiosity, concern. My God, I could read him. So suddenly, so clearly it was almost terrifying. It was as if by seeing myself, I could now see others better. Or maybe it was because somewhere in there, I'd learned that trying to see Heero as a soldier would no longer work. He was more than that now. Somewhere in those three years, he found something more to himself.

Just as I had, only he had found something better. He saw a beauty in himself that I couldn't find in me yet. But that was because of this huge fear I had. Surely Heero had a fear, too. After all, he was human.

“I see. But could you have seen it if you'd stayed alone?”

I shrugged. “Maybe. Maybe not. But I found it on my own.”

“May I ask-”

“No.” I hesitated. “At least, not yet.”

Heero had a strange look to his face, as if he were trying to pull the knowledge from my brain just by the force of his gaze. I turned away from him and walked inside.

Death's Wing was already synced up for the next launch. I ran through the usual checks and found a note from the Commander.

Strike, Harlow has left a message for you.

“The fuck?” I opened the attachment wondering if I should be pissed or amused.

“What?” Wufei came up to stand beside me. “What the...? Left you a message?”

I opened it and read quickly. “Arrogant bastard,” I muttered, then read it again.

I know you're looking for me, Strike. You messed up, and now you want to take me down. But can you? Do you know where I am? What I'm planning? But don't worry, Strike. I know exactly where you are. L2, right? But you're off by four if you want to find me. Get ready, Strike. We'll meet soon.

“Damn,” Wufei breathed. “Arrogant is right. He's ready to take you on.”

“My ass he is,” I said, but I was worried. Right after I find out just what these two mean to me, just how important everyone was to me, I was leading them straight into hell. It was in me to order them the fuck off my ship.

“What is it?”

Heero had just entered the room. Wufei turned to explain the little note and its implications.

Jesus. How could I possibly do this? I loved Heero, I cared for Wufei. Both of them were two of the strongest humans on the planet, but that wouldn't save them from bullets. I was leading them into very grave danger. Even as Preventors, they shouldn't have to face this shit.

“Dammit,” I whispered. “Dammit! I'll kill that motherfucker!”

When I launched, Drowning Pool had bodies hitting the floor.

<*>

It was hours later that I was seriously bothered by Heero the Inquisitive, and it was after Wufei had moved to start supper.

I was still at the controls, playing with the music. Did I want to listen to Disney music, which sometimes held a couple nasty surprises, or did I want to listen to just rock music? For now I turned on my Nickelback music and jammed up the volume a bit.

“Duo?”

I turned to see Heero coming towards me. He caught himself on the co-pilot's seat, but he didn't try to sit down in it. “Yeah?”

He hesitated again. What the hell? But then I remembered that we were back in my ship. He could very well be girding himself up to asking me about the damn poems again.

“Fuck,” I muttered. “Just spit it out, Yuy. The worst you could do is piss me off, right?”

“It's about Quatre.”

“The hell?” I stood without thought, vaguely alarmed. “What about him? Has something happened?”

“No, nothing like that,” Heero was quick to reassure. But somehow the hesitation in his gaze shifted just a bit. This time I couldn't recognize the subtle change. It was something new, something that had never been there before, during the war. I couldn't quite decipher it, and he covered it up far too quickly. “It's just... out of the four of us, he was the only one you told. But you knew Wufei and I were at Preventors, right? You weren't surprised when we entered Une's office.”

Shit, he really was dissecting me.

“I knew Wufei was there, but the day I told Quatre was the day I saw you there for the first time.”

Heero was silent for a moment before he spoke again. “Did seeing me... change your decision in any way?”

“I'd already decided.” Not really answering the question.

“Dammit.”

It was so sudden I almost jumped. His tone was both frustrated and pleading, and so totally open that I was unable to form any sort of coherent response. Thankfully, Heero continued.

“I don't understand you. I know what the others would say here, but not you. Why? Why are you so... so impossible?”

I didn't know whether to laugh or scream. “If I were impossible, I wouldn't exist.”

Heero almost seemed to growl. “I understand that I haven't had as much time to get to know you as I have the others-”

“Are you kidding me, Heero? Surely you jest. Did you forget the months that we fought beside one another? 'Cause I thought we had plenty of time to get to know one another then.”

Heero's face twisted, and I saw the unmistakable flash of regret there. “I didn't try to get to know much about you then.”

“I noticed,” I said dryly. “So why are you trying so hard now?”

“Because you're one of us,” Heero replied instantly.

Wrong answer.

“No.” I switched the song to 'Saving Me.' “There's the four of you: the leader, the warrior, the peacekeeper, and the nice guy. You all make up the team.”

The head, the nerve, the ligaments, the heart?” Heero asked with irony.

“Sure.” I shrugged. “However you look at it. You're all parts, and you fit together as a whole.”

“But you're wrong,” Heero murmured. “Seeing it from your view, I suppose you would be the... the joker, at least partially. Or perhaps... but in mine, you are always the voice. In you we see everything more clearly, understand more fully. Only with you can the laughter we feel be expressed, or the hope we imagine become real.”

“Uh-huh.” Odd, but his words brought me a sort of solace. I wanted to believe it. “Look, Heero, I don't know what you're trying to accomplish here, but-”

“Neither do I.” Heero sighed. “I just don't want you to disappear again after this.”

I stopped my breath from changing, but that didn't stop my heart from beating double-time. “You're making the assumption that we'll all make it out of this alive.” I kept my tone light.

“We will.” Heero's tone sharpened. “We're Gundam pilots. Nothing will take us down if we work together.”

I sighed. “Sure.” But if anything happened that would mean working alone would mean only my death, I would go it alone.

Heero seemed to see some of this in my eyes. “I mean it, Duo. No more Lone Ranger.”

“Lone Ranger? Since when have you known about those sorts of things?”

Heero smiled. “I always wanted to learn ridiculous things.”

I laughed, surprised. “Really? So you know Zorro?”

Heero nodded. “With his rapier and cape?”

“Yeah. I always wanted to try that – cutting a Z into an enemy's ass.”

Heero shocked the hell out of me and laughed. “And have his flowered boxers show?”

I nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah. Or maybe cut his fly and have his pants fall down.”

Heero chuckled again. It was a miraculous sound, and it disappeared far too quickly for my liking. “See what I mean, Duo? Only you could take a conversation that's becoming dangerously depressing and make everyone laugh. But did you know – your eyes never change?” Heero's eyes were carefully assessing my surprised reaction. “I never took the time to notice before, but your eyes don't light up.”

My breath caught oddly.

Suddenly Wufei called through from the galley, announcing that supper was ready.

Heero nodded decisively. “He may be leading us into a trap, you know. Harlow.”

“I know.” A safe topic change, at least. “But we have nothing else to go on.” My fault, of course: the mansion had held most of the plans of each underworld leader. The bastard had gotten me to destroy the only evidence we had as to his potential whereabouts.

The music was on 'If Everyone Cared' now. “Yes. But this time, we're all going to go down together.”

A reference to him leaving me topside. “It ended up being for the best that we were seperate.” A reference to my own plans.

Heero recognized the reference instantly. “Not this time,” he warned.

I shrugged. “We'll see, won't we?”

“Hey!” Wufei shouted. “Get in here!”

“Yes, Mom!” I called, and left with Heero's beautiful eyes burning laser beams into my back.

<*>

I leaned my head back and stared at the star-speckled ceiling of my room. Things were about to heat up big-time. The enemy has been toying with us this far, playing us. Harlow had a plan, and we were about to walk right into it. I didn't have a choice – it was my mission.

Of course, Heero and Wufei would be thinking the same thing. But I knew something very important about myself: I would break if something happened to either of them.

Useless to run from them. I smiled at my own stupidity. I'd run for a variety of reasons, but mostly because I was afraid, and when I was scared I ran and hid. With Deathscythe, I'd felt confident enough to jump into impossible situations. Or had I simply not cared? Had I, like Heero, been testing the limits? I kept calling myself Shinigami, calling down the potential wrath of the real one. But nothing had happened to me. I was still here, still perfectly fine. For now.

When it came to physical safety, I usually jumped at the chance to face it down. But in other areas of my life, I slunk off and hid in a corner. Pathetic.

I sighed and looked to the wall. The red letters bled together, forming their own little secrets. With a sigh, I stretched and slipped into sleep.

And dreamt of leading an angel with beautiful blue eyes down into the depths of Hell.

<*>