Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. Duh.

Note: To snowdragonct, yes, I absolutely love Sunhawk. She's the one who got me interested in fanfiction and, more specifically, 1x2. I'm actually a bit afraid that this story has quite a few qualities of Sunhawk's Ion Arc. Please know, everyone, that the story's mine! >< Thank you. And this chapter's dedicated to snowdragonct...







Dinner was a ration bar, eaten alone in the middle of the “night.” The lights were low, and my Night music was playing, basically to slow music from old games or television shows. Right now it was actually a classical song, one of Beethoven's lesser known works. It often soothed.

But I couldn't be soothed yet.

No. Right now I needed to take inventory.

I couldn't ignore the fact that everything had been a thousand times easier when I'd just given in and allowed them to help. Just as I had to admit that they could take care of themselves.

Dammit, I didn't know what to do. I didn't have the time to choose. I was being thrust through something barely understandable, a place I'd never been in before. Before, during the war, I'd had a hideaway inside myself, and I hadn't needed to worry about any of this. Loving Heero meant nothing because I was nothing and he cared for nothing. I had been the Jester and Shinigami and nothing more. There had been nothing worth worrying about.

But now, there was so much more.

Dammit, Heero was stronger than me, and so was Wufei. I was being overprotective, wasn't I? I had to have faith in them, right?

But how could I, when I didn't know them at all anymore?

I reached in instinctively for a drink, not knowing what I grabbed, and rested it against my forehead.

“It would be better if you had liquor.”

I turned slowly to face Heero. Didn't these bastards have something better to do with themselves? “I'm a pilot. That wouldn't be a good idea.”

“One of us could pilot,” Heero offered, but stopped when I hissed at him.

“No.” Go away, I added silently.

“Duo, what is your problem?”

I almost laughed. “You know,” I mused aloud, “it's strange, but I want to ask you the same question. You've changed. You aren't Heero anymore. Now you're...” I shifted for the right words, “almost human.”

Heero seemed stunned. “Almost human?”

“Yeah. Before you were like a robot. Didn't you notice? Always 'hn'-ing and 'yessir'-ing and saying things like 'affirmative' and 'understood.' It's strange that you hardly ever do that now, and you're obsessed with finding out more about me. It's not like you.”

Oddly enough, I hadn't meant to open my big mouth at all.

Heero seemed to grow sad. “Actually, it is like me.”

I opened my mouth, then stopped. We were only another day from our destination. We needed our mind's clear. We couldn't afford to open up any wounds that may still be bleeding by the time we landed. “It's no big deal,” I said breezily. “I was just airing my thoughts on the subject. Like old laundry, I guess. Only dusty, not-”

“Duo.”

His tone was quiet, but still sort of commanding. I found myself shutting up.

“This isn't like you, either. You always laughed. For some reason, I expected you to be the same – an idiot. You proved me wrong immediately, snapping at us about our luggage. And when I have seen you smile, a few rare occasions, they aren't real. Why?” And now he seemed to be talking to himself. “Why the hell didn't I ever notice it?”

I was unable to respond, shocked by the tone in his voice. Berating, condescending, angry. He was angry with himself for not having seen? I held up my hands as if to ward off a madman. “Whoa, jeez, Heero, it's no big deal. No one noticed, remem...” But I stopped when I once again realized just what the hell I was saying.

I wanted to be found, but wanted to stay hidden. I didn't want anyone to understand, but I wanted to be understood. I was a contradiction. Yes.

But I wanted Heero to see, without me showing him a thing.

“Duo.”

How could hearing him say my name make my pulse jump? “How did we get to this? We were talking about you, dammit. How did you weasel out of that?”

Heero shook his head. “This isn't working. Why the hell isn't it working?”

He was talking to himself, but he still managed to irritate me. “Why isn't what working? What is this, an experiment?”

“No,” Heero snapped fiercely. “No, of course not! I...” Now it was Heero who was unable to speak what he thought. But why?

“Okay, okay, fine!” I held up my hands again, this time feeling as if something was pressed to my chest. Was Heero hurting because he couldn't understand me? Why? It made no sense. He wasn't making any sense! Heero always made sense!

“Dammit.” He whirled back to me, and his eyes were steady and controlled. The Perfect Soldier. I recognized him immediately. “Tell me. Who's that poem for?” I knew immediately which one he was talking about – Forgive These Broken Wings. “Why is there no alcohol? Why don't you want anyone in the co-pilot's seat? Why – why do you fake laughing so much? And why don't you trust us, even slightly?”

I took an involuntary step back at that one – talk about left field. His eyes zeroed in on my movements.

But oddly enough... I felt safer. Calmer. This was the Heero Yuy that I knew. Somehow, this man had been the one I'd fallen in love with. But why? It couldn't be the way he'd acted, because he'd been a complete bastard for the longest time. Was it this – the fact that this man wasn't the real him? Had I always known it? But what had I seen that had made me fall?

I didn't notice it, but my body completely relaxed for the first time in days. Heero must have seen, though, because his eyes widened just a bit.

I recognized it. With everything I was, I recognized Heero's reaction. Surprise. But there was a flicker of something else, a flicker of the real him, the him beneath the mask he himself wore – worry. It was worry. I almost wept for realizing it.

I knew this man.

“Duo...”

And I smiled. Just like that. “Yeah?”

And the mask broke. I felt myself tense up again, and was surprised to find that I'd relaxed at all.

But Heero strode to stand right before me. The bastard had grown. I was a short American, at a mere five-nine. This guy had grabbed an inch on me. At least Wufei was my height.

“What...” Heero seemed to be struggling with something. “You relaxed,” he breathed in awe. “You relaxed, for the very first time. Why? When I'm... no one relaxes when I...”

I had to back away; the scent of his skin was short-circuiting my brain. “I...” How could I explain without giving everything away? “It's more... understandable.”

Heero seemed to let those words soak in, as if he were trying to sift through the words to find the hidden meanings. Or maybe he just couldn't understand.

“Think about it,” I pressed. “Wouldn't it be easier if I were...” Couldn't say 'The Jester'... “the laughing idiot again?”

Heero seemed to twitch. “I... suppose.”

I shrugged. “Well, it's the same basic thing with me. When you're like that, you're more like the old Heero.” Funny, but I hadn't understood the old Heero, either.

“I... see.”

He seemed to be struggling with the whole issue.

“Would... you feel better... if...”

I frowned sharply. “If this is you, stay this way. I won't make you change.” Why the hell would he ask me that? Was he really so willing to give up something so inherently fragile? “Being you isn't something you should take away from yourself.”

Heero's hand twitched, as if wondering whether to move or not. “You said you've found yourself.”

“Maybe not all of me.” But I shook my head. “No.”

“Dammit, Duo, how the hell am I supposed to help-”

“I didn't ask for help,” I hissed. “I didn't ask for anything.”

“You never do.”

I felt my breath freeze. Why was he doing this? Why the hell was he doing this to me? “It's none of your business!”

“Duo, you're getting defensive.”

“Wouldn't you be?” I snapped. “Some guy you haven't seen in years is suddenly trying to-” Break me. He's trying to break me.

“I need to know what you're thinking. How else can we talk through this?”

Heero sounded frustrated, I noted. “We don't have to talk through this. Just let it go. Leave it alone. It's none of your-”

“Business, yes, you already said that.”

I snapped open my bulb and took a harsh sip. Dammit. It was just orange juice. “I don't need anyone dissecting me, and I don't care if you volunteered for the job or not. It's not an open position.”

“Duo, I'm not...” Heero let out a sharp breath. “I just want to understand you.”

I grabbed my head. I would not say anything else without thinking about it first. I would not. “Why?” Damn. I hadn't meant to ask that so plaintively.

“Because... dammit, Duo, you're one of us.”

Again, that damnable answer. “No, I'm not. I never was, Heero, and you damn well know it.”

“Don't be stupid, Duo,” Heero snapped. “You were the one to get us all together.”

“No, that was Quatre and Tro-”

“Dammit, it was you! Whenever we fell apart, you hooked us back together again, whether we wanted to be a team or not. You kept dragging me with you everywhere, making me give up my isolation. Who stayed with Quatre and drove off his loneliness? Who always got Wufei out of his funks? Who got Trowa back to us? Who the hell got Quatre and Trowa together?”

I gaped. “The hell? I didn't do all that... well, I dragged you everywhere, yeah...” But that was for myself, my own selfishness. I just didn't want to lose sight of him.

“Quatre had been worried sick about everyone after the colonies were targeted, when we were all unofficially disbanded. You curbed his worry and staved off his loneliness. Wufei admitted that you were the one to take him out of his misery about his past, who always made him feel alive. Trowa had been living in fear of his unknown past when you finally found him in the circus and brought Quatre to him, the only person who could help him. And who helped Quatre through his feelings for Trowa? Who promised to go with him to the circus no matter when or where, so that Quatre wouldn't go alone, so that he'd have the chance to see Trowa whenever he could? When you left, Quatre's visits became more infrequent, but he'd continued going – alone, Duo. Finally Trowa found out the change and decided that he would take his own chance, if only because he was afraid for Quatre.”

“Well then, see? It's a good thing I left.” It was strange to hear the entire story, though, when I'd known the two of them to be officially together for over two years.

Heero shook his head. “Trowa realized there was something more when you never came to talk to him after the shows but were always still there, waiting to take Quatre back. When you left and Trowa found out... it hadn't started well; Trowa yelled at Quatre for being reckless.”

“He what?” I gasped. Trowa never lost his cool. I don't think I've ever heard him yell. It must have been horrible for Quatre, who loved him so very much, to be the only one to deal with Trowa's anger.

“That's right. He called Quatre a fool for coming alone, and where the hell was Duo?” Heero continued, his eyes searing into mine. “He raged at Quatre, and Quatre finally left in tears. To this day Trowa has never forgiven himself for it.”

“My God,” I murmured thoughtlessly. “What the hell happened to get them together?”

“Quatre kept going,” Heero said quietly. “He just didn't talk to Trowa anymore.”

He'd never told me. He'd never told me any of this. Because it was my fault?

I felt the weight of guilt crush me, almost taking me under. I'd hurt my friend. And badly.

“Neither of them blame you,” Heero spoke now, his voice trying to soothe. “They know it was due to their own misconceptions. And everything turned out all right in the end, anyway.”

“How could it?”

“Trowa said he still saw Quatre, that he'd been able to pick the blond out when the light wasn't too bright. In fear, he went up and told Quatre that it was too dangerous to come just to see a friend, and then kissed him.”

It made me smile to hear it; that Trowa had put so much into that kiss – an admission, an apology, and a plea. And of course, Quatre had accepted all three.

“Good.” Then I shrugged. “But would it have happened if I had continued going with Quatre? The two had stilted 'we-are-friends' conversations every single time. It may have never happened.”

“At their little unofficial wedding, Quatre held a place of honor that was never taken, for the one he'd said had made it happen. Because without you, he never would have gone to begin with.”

He had never said that, either.

I shook my head. “Enough. That's enough. We only have twenty-four hours until-”

“Dammit, Duo Maxwell, I'm making a point here!” Heero burst out. “Just shut the hell up and listen!”

I froze.

“We all depended on you in one way or another. Quatre as a close, dependable friend, Trowa as his rescuer, Wufei as his fire, and me... for me, you were the one who took away my loneliness.”

“I...”

“Shut up,” Heero said calmly. I couldn't have finished a coherent thought, anyway. “We all wanted you back, but Quatre only told us that you were off trying to find yourself and that he wouldn't bother you for any reason, because he felt your heart was hurting too much. We were growing frantic, Duo. We'd put up searches for you – useless, of course, since you had Une herself seal all your records from Preventor eyes. We never would have found you. Do you have any idea how worried we were? Are?” Heero raked a hand through his hair. “And here you are, finally, and I don't know what the hell to do with you, and I feel like if I don't manage to get through to you in time you'll disappear again. So you're right – I only have twenty-four hours. Twenty-four hours, and then when this damn mission is over, I'll either have you back or I'll lose you all over again – and this time... this time, I know I won't be as lucky.”

My mind had frosted over.

“Don't you understand?” His tone was desperate. So very desperate. “I can't lose you again. I won't!”

“I...” What could I say to that, when his heart seemed to be right there in his voice?

“I was a fool!” he continued. “I kept telling everyone to follow their emotions, but I couldn't even do it for myself. Not on what was truly important. And even now, I...” Heero seemed to glance toward the cockpit, where that poem lay. “It doesn't matter,” he murmured, and he was once again speaking to himself.

“I... your loneliness?” I whispered. I had done all that? While being nothing more than a fake?

But those things he spoke of... those were things that affected me in some way. Heero had been everything to me, and Quatre and I had become close through our worry and... well, I don't really know how we got together, but we clicked. Trowa was important to me because he was a loyal friend who I didn't need to be anything around, and he meant everything to Quatre, and Wufei was just for fun and turned into a challenge... I had had fun fighting him on so many issues, and had even laughed sometimes just because...

But still... I hadn't done anything... I wasn't as important as Heero was making me to be... was I?

“Yes. I had thought that it was right for me to be alone. I couldn't be human, not if I wanted to be victorious. It was a weakness to become close to other people. That's what I was taught, and I thought it was true. Wouldn't it be easier?”

I hissed without thought. Damn J.

Heero caught the sound and smiled. “I hadn't even realized the wall I'd put around myself. I didn't know I was scary to others, unapproachable. But... you approached me.”

“I shot you,” I clarified.

“Yes. So weren't you my enemy? But you saved me. I... I've never understood why.”

I hadn't either, at first. All I'd known was that I had to go rescue him, and to hell with common sense. He'd been a pilot like me, so I figured at the time that I wanted to learn more about him and keep any knowledge he had a secret. But then... I realized I'd made all those reasons after I had set up the rescue operation.

I couldn't have been in love then. There was no such thing as love at first sight. I hadn't even loved Father Maxwell at first sight. But...

“Yeah, me either, in all honesty,” I admitted sheepishly. “I dunno why, but I just felt like I had to go get you.”

Heero's eyes sharpened just a bit. “You don't know?”

Well, I had a fairly good idea now, but those words were never passing these lips. They were taboo. “Nope.”

“You're lying.”

“Only partly,” I admitted. I threw him a quirky grin. “I never lie completely.”

Heero frowned.

“Still trying to dissect me, Heero?” I asked.

“Yes.” He sounded about frustrated enough to maim. “And I can't.”

“Uh-huh. Tell you what; I'll give you a hint.” I held up one finger. “You'll never get it.”

Heero's frown morphed to an outright scowl. “That's it? That's the hint?”

“Yup.” I nodded. “Because it's true: you won't. And do you know why?”

“Why?”

“Because you can't see what's in plain sight, Heero Yuy. You're looking just a little bit too hard.” And I left to retreat to my room, leaving my bulb floating in front of Yuy's face.

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Every story unless otherwise claimed is Kayura's, and is copyrighted 2006 under her name.