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Gundam Wing is not mine. Duh.
Duo stood before him, the journal held out in front of him accusingly. Heero's heart plummeted.
“This is the reason you came back, isn't it?” Duo demanded. His voice was hot, but it wavered just a bit at the
end. Heero saw the tears in his eyes, the shine to them that were the only proof of his pain. His back was ramrod straight,
his free hand clenched into a fist. He should look angry. Instead he looked... hopeless.
Heero couldn't argue. It was true enough. Heero never would have realized how wrong he was about Duo if not for that journal.
“I knew it,” Duo said bitterly. “I knew it couldn't be true.” He left the room and headed for the
kitchen in angry jerks. Heero moved after him then, grabbing his arm and twisting him around.
“You're wrong.” Duo's eyes were hard with something, some decision. Heero knew it wouldn't be good for him. “It
is true. Duo, I love you.”
“Bullshit!” Duo screamed. He tore his arm free and stomped away.
“Duo!” Heero went after him again, but this time Duo avoided his hand. “Duo, please just listen...”
“No. I've listened enough.” Duo moved to the trash can and ripped off the lid. It took Duo's opening the
journal and grabbing a handful of papers before Heero understood what he was doing.
“No!” Heero grabbed Duo's wrists then, fighting to save that journal. “Duo, stop!”
“Let go of me!” Duo shoved him away, losing grip on the journal. Heero snatched it up before Duo could, holding
it to his chest protectively. He knew he looked stupid, but he wasn't going to let that stop him from protecting that which
had given him everything he'd ever wanted.
Duo glared at him even as a traitorous tear slid down his cheek. “Why?” he shouted. “Why did you do this?
Was it funny? Let's all laugh at pathetic little Duo. He actually believes-”
“No! It isn't like that!” Heero shook his head vehemently. “I didn't know... I had no idea...”
“Well, you certainly know now.” Duo snapped. He may have wanted to sound sarcastic, but his voice was only...
sad. Incredibly sad. And bitter. “You know just how fucked up I am.”
“No,” Heero argued quietly. “I finally see... I see you. Duo...”
“Leave me alone!” Duo cried. “Go away – get out! Get out of my house! I don't ever want to see you
again!”
Heero's heart tore at that, but he wouldn't leave. He had wounded Duo by not telling him this from the start. He wouldn't
leave Duo with this new wound. It would be cruel, and he loved the man far too much.
Besides, if he left Duo like this, would Duo...?
He thought of the scars on Duo's wrists and new he wouldn't be leaving.
“Duo,” he spoke softly, “please listen to me, even if you never want to hear me speak to you again. After
I finish, I swear I will leave if that's what you still wish.
“Yes!” Duo snapped. “Get the fuck out!”
Heero let the pain slide through him, knowing that what Duo was feeling was much worse – the pain of betrayal. “During
the war, I was attracted to you.” He ignored Duo's look of disbelief. “I thought it senseless and based on nothing
more than your physical appearance. I ignored it and tried to stay away from you whenever possible. When everything was over...
I thought... I thought I would stop thinking about you. But I couldn't. And then... I found the journal. It... I had thought
you were different... I had thought that you were ignorant and reckless. Shallow, with all of your laughter and jokes.”
Heero's shoulders slumped as he thought about that, about how very wrong he'd been.
Duo's eyes showed how much he was hurting, how much he'd been wounded. Even now, Heero knew, he was hurting Duo again. Duo
had never been innocent, had never been shallow or reckless or stupid.
“You acted so well,” Heero whispered. “And I fell for it. I believed it. But... when I read this –
I didn't read all of it,” he added quickly. “Just... enough. I had been wrong. So wrong. I... I didn't know...
how very wrong I'd been. I... I had to see you again, to see if you were the same, if I could see the truth. And when I saw
your face... when I finally saw you again, I...” He had to say this, even if he was thrown out right after. “I
realized that I... I love you.” He met Duo's eyes as he said that, trying to force Duo to see that truth, if nothing
else. “The real you. The whole you. More than looks, far more than pity or... or some sick sense of maliciousness...
I love you.” Heero held the book tightly. “I never knew the truth... never accepted what a part of me already
knew. This journal... finally made me see. Now... I can see through the mask. I can see you.” Heero smiled slightly.
“The real you.”
Then he turned away and placed the journal down, fingering it lovingly before turning away. “That's the truth.”
He spread his hands wide, open. A vulnerable position. “I love you. The real you. The you who has scars branded on his
soul, the you who cooks badly, the you who has a slobbering dog who wants to shove me off the bed, the you who writes poetry
for a living, the you who can't sing.”
Duo's face contorted with pain, the pain of feeling hope and believing it to be hopeless anyway. He was apparently silenced
by his desire to not choke on his tears.
Duo,” Heero said softly, “I can't take back what I've done – hiding this from you. I can't apologize enough
for it. And I can't make you believe me. I can only explain this to you and hope you'll understand... that you'll give me
another chance. I swear that this is the only secret I kept from you.”
“But it's the one that matters most,” Duo managed to whisper.
Heero closed his eyes for a second. “Yes. It is. If not for that journal, I may have been miserable forever, not knowing
that what I felt for you was more than your looks. That somehow, a part of me had known. I would have continued to want you,
and continued to deny myself. And in doing so... without knowing it... I may have lost you.” Heero shivered a bit at
the thought. “I did almost lose you,” he whispered.
“No,” Duo said then, his voice gaining strength. “You never would have lost me – because you never
had me.” Duo's eyes burned with tears and fury. Heero already saw Duo's decision in his eyes. “I listened.
Now it's time for you to leave.”
Frustration snapped through Heero's veins enough for him to grab Duo's wrists. He only held on tighter when Duo fought against
him. “Duo, promise me something.”
“You don't deserve any promises,” Duo snapped.
“Maybe not,” Heero said, “but you're going to promise me this anyway.” Heero shook Duo slightly to
emphasize his point. “Dammit, Duo, promise me you won't hurt yourself.”
“What?” The shock in Duo's eyes didn't completely hide the emotions beneath it – the emotions that clearly
said he planned on doing just that.
“Promise me, Duo,” Heero pleaded. “I can't stand the thought of losing you... of you dying because of me.”
It was proof of how emotionally drained Duo was that he didn't deny it. “Then you should have thought of that before
you did this!”
“Dammit, Duo!” Heero yelled, finally losing a bit of that patience that usually held him through even the worst
situations. “Don't do this to me! How would you feel if I left today and offed myself?!”
Duo froze at the thought, his breath catching. “You wouldn't...” he hesitated. He voice sounded broken then, unchecked
as he tried to deny what Heero said.
“No,” Heero reassured, “I won't. But... losing you...” Heero found his throat locking up and fought
to get the words out, “I can't bear the idea... it will be a thousand times worse than after the war. A million. Now...
now, more than ever, I know what I'm losing.” And the thought made him want to scream. He hadn't cried in years... but
he thought he just might soon. “I don't want to lose you,” Heero murmured.
“Shut up,” Duo whispered, then closed his eyes and tried again. “Shut the hell up!”
“I'm sorry,” Heero whispered, then fell silent. Now it was all up to Duo. He could do no more.
“No,” Duo murmured, shaking his head violently. “You're lying – you can't...!”
“I'm not lying.”
“You are!” Duo argued. “You can't be telling me the truth – it can't be... I'm a joke. I'm a joke-”
“No,” Heero said harshly. “Curse me if you want... scream... but don't degrade yourself. It's my fault for
not telling you... for hiding it from you. Blame me. Duo... blame me... but please don't blame yourself.”
“I should never have started that goddamn journal!” Duo snarled then.
Heero wanted to scream. “No, Duo. That journal was my salvation. Please...”
“Dammit,” Duo howled, “why do I love you?!”
Heero's heart clenched. “I don't know.” He moved toward Duo, his steps slow and silent, though he knew Duo knew
he was coming closer. “I don't deserve it.”
“No, you don't,” Duo agreed, but Heero heard the self-degradation in the words and knew Duo was talking more of
himself not deserving anything.
Heero slowly wrapped his arms around Duo and sighed. Here was the truth, more than words, more than promises. Here was his
heart. “I love you,” Heero said simply. Duo was tense beneath his fingers, as stiff as a block. He didn't move
to take Heero in his arms, but he also didn't fight back.
They stayed like that for who knew how long, Heero just holding onto Duo and slowly, slowly feeling Duo relax in his arms.
It probably took about ten minutes for Duo to relax enough as to not be a block of wood or a cement block, then another five
for Duo to ever-cautiously raise his arms and entwine them slowly, so slowly around Heero's neck. It was only another minute
until Duo had his face buried in Heero's chest and was trembling with the effort not to cry.
“I'm sorry,” Heero whispered then. “I'm sorry I lied to you... I'm sorry I did this to you.”
“Bastard,” Duo sniffled, his voice quavering and lacking malice.
“I know,” Heero murmured. “I know.”
“Asshole,” he continued for good measure.
Heero could only smile, hearing the reluctance and... resignation in Duo's voice. “One more try?”
“I can't,” Duo said, his voice so... hopeless. “I can't do it again. I can't.”
“Yes, you can,” Heero assured. “Because I'll be right here with you. Right beside you.”
Duo shook his head. “For how long? That journal only-”
“Never doubt my love for you,” Heero said fiercely. “Never doubt that I love you with everything I am. The
journal showed me the truth. The journal led me back to you. The journal did not force me here. I didn't come to you to give
you pity or to play a prank. I love you. Don't ever fucking question that.”
Duo said nothing... but his hug increased in ferocity. Heero tightened his own hold and closed his eyes. “Please, Duo...
don't take this away from us.”
Duo shivered. “I'm scared.”
“So am I.” Heero's grip tightened a bit further. “But... I'm more afraid of losing this.”
Duo was silent, even as he fought those tears. “So am I,” Duo whispered. Heero stilled; the voice was wavering
and sad... Duo wasn't fighting tears... he was crying.
Heero gently took Duo to the floor and held him close. He rocked Duo back and forth, trying to comfort even while he felt
his own emotions warring within him. He couldn't ignore the fact that it was him who made Duo cry. His fault. He couldn't
apologize enough. But he wouldn't leave Duo, no matter what. Was that selfish? Maybe love was selfish, at least a little bit.
But staying felt right. And hadn't he promised to follow his emotions? Everything inside him screamed for Duo.
For now... for now... this was enough.
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